who’s in charge?

When Sylvie began her recent Dom/sub relationship, she mentioned it to me.  At one point she asked if I had told hubby about it.  I hadn’t yet, but later that night I brought it up during our nightly phone call.  Since then we have had several conversations about D/s relationships and play.

We enjoy D/s play, though not every time we have sex and not as a lifestyle.  It’s just not for either of us. As I said to him, I feel that I’m too dominant in my overall personality to be a sub to someone fulltime.  While I enjoy being the sub in the bedroom from time to time, I also enjoy being the Domme.  Because I’m equally comfortable in both roles, I consider myself to be a switch.

I know there are people who, like me, have very dominant personalities, but crave the submissive role.  I respect that and can understand how it would a great form of stress relief.  Some of the characters I have developed in my stories are that way.  I just know it isn’t me.  I would be too much of a brat for the situation to be enjoyable! 

Just as every person is different, every D/s relationship is different.  There are subsets of the lifestyle, ranging from those who, like hubby and me, enjoy occasional D/s play in the bedroom to those who live their D/s relationships 24/7.  Some are sexual, while others may not have any sexual activity involved.  Thanks to the internet, some D/s relationships are completely virtual, with those involved living great distances from one another.  If you can imagine it, there is likely someone who is living it.

the dry spell

Yesterday was a very crazy day. There was a mixture of good and bad.

Our furchildren had vet appointments for check-ups and vaccinations. Since the hubby had to go out of town that morning for a possible new job, I had to take them to the vet alone. All went well with the vet. When I came home with our boy, hubby was home from his errand, so we were relaxing in our sunroom and talking about our morning.

Then our boy, who is a senior, started screaming in the other room. Long story short, we think he had a seizure. I took him back to the vet while hubby cleaned up the mess our pup made during the fit. This was a new experience for all of us.

Ninety minutes and bloodwork for the pup later, we were home again. Hubby and the pups all laid down for a nap while I got ready for work. If I didn’t have a program – and a fun one at that – I would have likely stayed home with the rest of my family.

A few hours later, though, I was home again, but this time I was fighting a migraine. Hubby had completed more errands while I was working, but we all decided to nap for a little while. His excuse – he drives nights, so is use to sleeping during the day. Mine – I had a dickens of a headache.

After sleeping for a few hours, I made an Easter dinner (the day after) at nearly 9 at night. We ate at 11! My allergies were getting bad by then, since I forgot to take medication before the vet appointments that morning, and I was still fighting a headache because the temperature was dropping. High of 80 on Monday, high of 57 on Tuesday. Lovely, eh?

When we went to bed for the night, we were both exhausted, both physically and mentally, even with all the napping. It had been that kind of day.

Side note: we aren’t certain what caused our boy’s fit. There are a lot of different things that might contribute to the possible seizure. The Bloodwork didn’t show anything that would have caused it.

Now, if you are still reading, you are likely wondering what this has to do with sex. Keep reading and I will tell you.

Relationships have a natural ebb and flow. Some days might be absolutely fantastic. Other days it might seem like you are never in sync. That is perfectly normal. So is having a period of time without sex. Yes, a healthy married relationship usually includes sex. As the relationship continues to grow, sex might not occur as frequently as before.

The hubby and I have gone through dry spells. Our circumstances play a huge part. He is only home on weekends, and I often work at least one of those days. We usually pack so much into the days that he is home that often we are just too tired to get it on. Add the worry of having a sick child – even if our children are our dogs – and sex ends up being put on the backburner. Yet, even though we aren’t having sex, the intimacy in our relationship continues to grow. We are still physical – touching, holding hands, kissing, cuddling – throughout the day. In many ways, that is more important that intercourse. It keeps us connected.

One day soon, though, we will devote some time to reconnecting sexually.  All part of the fun of being in a long term commitment!

Sex and Infertility

There has rarely been a time since I became sexually active that I did not want sex. It is safe to say that I have a very high sex drive. However, several years ago I found myself not wanting to do the deed, at no fault of the hubby. This was a side effect of infertility treatments.

It has been over ten years since the hubby and I decided it was time to expand our family. I had suspected for some time that this would not be an easy task. With unpredictable cycles, and having several symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I just knew we likely had a difficult road ahead of us. This didn’t mean I gave up hope. We kept trying the old fashioned way, and had fun while doing it. Eventually the time came for us to see a specialist.

At first my sex drive didn’t suffer. Granted, the medications I was taking did a number on my mood, and caused the depression I already struggled with to deepen greatly. After months of trying to time sex just right and being poked and prodded by medical staff up to three times a week – including several procedures that were very intimate in nature – my sex drive plummeted. Not only did my desire for intimate relations with the hubby drop significantly, but also my urges to masturbate. Before infertility treatment, masturbation was often a daily occurrence – if not more frequently!  Even now, several years after we ended all of the medical treatments, my sex drive is still much less than what it was before.

Much of what affected my arousal levels was psychological. The multitude of doctor appointments, the focus on sex for procreation, and the failures of the assisted reproductive therapies all affected combined to make a mental block against sexual desire. Instead of having sex purely for enjoyment, we were having sex purely out of duty. While I enjoyed the deed, I wasn’t able to climax because I couldn’t separate sex from our desire for pregnancy. The whole ordeal didn’t affect our feelings for each other; just our feelings towards sex – especially my own.

How did I overcome this? Firstly, acknowledging that there was an issue and that it could be overcome. I talked with my husband. And I discussed it a bit with Sylvie (as she has a lot of useful knowledge about marital aids from her time as a pecker peddler). Sylvie recommended an arousal cream that helped increase my sexual pleasure. This helped to revive the enjoyment that had disappeared.

When you are going through fertility treatments, you hear the stories about how the medications can affect your hormones and, therefore, your moods. You hear about the invasiveness of procedures, the heartbreak of failed attempts and losses, and the joys of successes. What you don’t hear much about, though, is how fertility treatments can affect your relationship with your significant other. There are couples who don’t make it through fertility treatments. In our case, it made our relationship even stronger. Yet we still encountered a rough patch in our sex life – something that isn’t talked about on the message boards.

Hopefully this isn’t something you will ever have to encounter; however, if you do, please remember: You are not alone.

Discipline

This is an installment of a series of posts on BDSM.  The first post can be found here.

Kupferstich ca. 1780 – gemeinfrei – (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week is about discipline.  As I mentioned previously, discipline is considered psychological restraining, often by the use of punishments or rules. Spanking and humiliation are examples. Discipline is frequently used in other aspects of BDSM, especially in Dominant/submissive (D/s) situations.

When utilizing physical discipline on a partner, it is important to do so in a safe manner.  For instance, spanking certain areas of the body – especially with an item such as a paddle – may cause severe injury, or even death, if done with too much force.

Always be prepared to use a safeword.  Regardless of the type of BDSM play you are engaging, this is important.

Alex in Spankland has a great post about spanking.  While written for newbies, it is a good read for all interested parties, regardless of your level of experience.

All that is needed for spanking play is a willing hand and a willing ass, but it can be more enjoyable for all when using an item such as those on the list below.

• Leather & Glass Riding Crop – This is a two-in-one kind of toy. The glass handle is perfect for insertion.
• X-PLAY Large Black Paddle – A sturdy paddle that will have you saying, “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”
• Studded Paddle – A paddle with a bite, one side has metal studs, while the other is smooth.
• Fetish Fantasy Bad Teacher Ruler – If you and your playmate like to engage in teacher/student scenes, this is the perfect prop for you!
• Fetish Fantasy Ltd Feather Crop – Have a little slap and tickle fun! One end is a crop and the other a feather, opening the play to all kinds of sensations.
• Leather Corset Flog-HER in Black – This is a heavy duty flogger, perfect for couples who are getting more serious about their discipline play.

Humiliation in this regard may best be described as enjoyable embarrassment.  The activities involved are varied.  It might be as simple as dirty talk, calling your partner a “slut” or a “little bitch”; or it might be more elaborate, such as leading her around by a leash or making him talk in a falsetto voice and dressing him in women’s clothing.

Many may wonder why in the world someone would find sexual pleasure in being humiliated.  That’s a great question.  It is also one that is expertly answered by Franklin on his blog.

Looking for credible sources for additional information?

• Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex by Tymber Dalton (see my review here)
• A Submissive’s Initiative – an educational BDSM community
• The Loving Dom – The Repository – The back catalogue of educational notes relating to alternative relationships + interesting threads from The Loving Dom – The Help Page.

Next week I will continue to delve into the various aspects of BDSM.  As always, remember: Safe Play is Great Play!

 

Why are Guys Shy?

I don’t know if it is just me or maybe the guys out there are shy.  Many times, I will chat with a guy, and if the conversation is going well, and I am the one who has to bring up the concept of meeting.

shy (Photo credit: Chris Blakeley)

Sometimes we have spoken generally about meeting up, but then, when it truly comes right down to it, it is usually me asking them.  It’s usually a “hey, wanna get coffee?” type thing not a “hey, let’s go on a date!”  But isn’t that a bit of the tables being turned as men are supposedly taught that they should be the man and they should do the asking as a result?

Lucy and I are talking about this as I am writing this post.  My comment to her is, aren’t men taught that they have to be big and strong and that they should be the man and take the initiative?    And she says yes, they are, but that may not be their true nature and that is what you are seeing when you talk to these men.

Maybe it isn’t that they don’t want to be the manly-man but they are letting me take the lead to show whether I am interested or not.  On the dating sites, the men definitely outnumber the women and maybe they think that I am just talking for the sake of talking to them and do not have any further interest in them.  They don’t realize that if I am open to chatting outside of the site, that I am interested in them, so far.  Of course, that may change once I meet them in person but obviously they have told me something that intrigues me at that point.

And let’s not get started on who pays when you meet!

Book: Sex and the Social Network by Victoria Lexington

This story is about four married women who have met up with men through Facebook.  Two of them are re-connecting with a prior love, one meets a man through a friend and the other ends up hooking up with a work colleague.  All these women are not happy with their current lives – they are married, with children, but life is not what they expect it to be.  When these men express an interest in them, they think that maybe this is what they are missing and continue to pursue the relationship to see where it goes.  

All the women have a common connection, Liz, who is one of the characters in the book.  We follow Maria who is her best friend, Gabby who is a coworker and Julia who is another friend of Liz’s.  Liz knows of the women and the men that they are chatting with but does not feel that she can do more than to warn her friends to be careful.

My opinion:

Interesting concept for a book, as I can imagine this situation is something that has likely happened to many people.  It makes you think about the consequences of your actions as each woman has a different experience.  Is the grass always greener on the other side?  Or does it just look that way?  And are you willing to give up the grass on this side to check it out?

I think there are a few aspects that could have been explored a bit more in regards to how the woman coped.  We see some of Gabby’s history to explain her behavior but there is not a lot to help explain how she dealt with it.   While that is not needed for her character to progress and develop, it may be helpful for readers who have dealt with the same issues.

Purchase:  Sex and the Social Network