Whether you are looking to date someone or just have a play partner, there are some things that you really should discuss before you start ripping clothing off. They may be awkward to discuss but it important to get them out there. If you do not like their answer, or it doesn’t jive with you, you may want to reconsider if they are the right person to get down and dirty with.
When were they last tested for STDS? Have they had partners since then? Personally, I’ve never asked for proof of this from the doctor but I am sure some people have. Even if you are using condoms, if you are engaging in any type of oral sex, this is relevant. Unless you plan to use dental dams and other equipment to avoid direct contact.
Another important discussion. If neither of you has any plans to have children with each other, or at this time, birth control is a must. Never believe a guy who says he cannot have children (I know a lady whose guy told her this, guess what? she got pregnant). If he says he has a vasectomy, you may want to have a dr’s note before you agree to no condoms. Regardless, you should use them for the first while due to disease. I am a firm advocate of the woman being on some form of birth control as well. The form may be discussed as not all methods are as fool proof as others.
What will happen if the female gets pregnant? This may not be a first night discussion but if you are going to remove a type of birth control (ie condoms) and only rely on one or none, it is likely a good discussion to have. Even if neither of you are looking to have children, accidents can happen and it doesn’t hurt to know the other person’s opinions before it happens.
I always thought that limits were black and white, but I have learnt recently that they can be grey (aka soft limits). That doesn’t mean that you have to change your limits, it just about thinking of them in a slightly different way. I thought that certain types of play either happened or didn’t happen but didn’t consider that there are many different elements within each play type which is where conversation and discussion come into
A hard limit is something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship.
A soft limit is something that a person hesitates about or places strict conditions on, but for which they will still give informed consent. An action could be prohibited except under specific circumstances or an area of discomfort that someone wishes to avoid. Soft limits can also be something that requires a cautious approach or while appealing, still generates an uncomfortable amount of fear.
So if you are wondering what that means, here are a couple of examples to help you out.
Hard Limit: Anal play
Soft Limit: No penis in the anus but fingers and tongue can are allowable.
I had been told that my limits were too strict but then when it came down to actually talking about them and what I was and was not willing to accept, many of them became soft limits. I was willing to engage in some elements of those items that were on the hard limits list but there were some elements that were still off limits. In some ways, my list is likely longer now but those items on it are much more specific than they were. It allows for easier satisfaction of both partners as well as being able to cross some fantasies off the list