Before Starting with the D/s Lifestyle

While this post seems like it should be before my post “Considering the D/s Lifestyle” I have learnt a lot since I wrote that post about what a person needs to think about and establish.  I figure a post that is later is better than never.

sub leashed collared and in breast bondage
sub leashed collared and in breast bondage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have learnt this things from personal experience, from a Facebook group I joined and from reading on the Net and what I want and expect for myself.  This post is written from the standpoint of a submissive, so if you are a Dom, not all of this will apply but it definitely does not hurt to educate yourself.

Determine your Hard Limits

You need to  take more than two minutes to think about them.  I like to keep a list (but I like lists) that I can add to – not because I am continually coming up with more limits but because it can be hard to remember everything you are not interested in when chatting with someone.  Some of my limits were established due to conversations I had with someone, even though I felt that it was a given.  Nothing is a given in this lifestyle, so make sure you include those items regardless.

  • Are there any objects that are off limits?
  • Are you willing to do things while you are at work?
  • Are you okay with your skin being marked?
  • How do you feel with playing with more than just your Dom?  Is there a limit to how many people you will play with at once?  Will you play with someone of the same gender?
  • Are you into golden showers or other bathroom play?
  • How do you feel about animals?
  • Are you willing to have anal sex?
  • Are you okay with pain?

What Does your Dom expect of you?

Before you decide to serve a Dom, find out what they expect of you.  You want to discuss what they will expect of you as well and they should be asking you as to what you expect of them.  Make sure that whatever they want is something hat you can accept and is within the realm of what you can handle.  I talked to one gentleman who was new to being a Dom but he kept referring to wanting to use his sub and cause them pain.  I quickly told him that I did not feel we were compatible.

Some things that may come up:

  • Expecting you to follow orders even when your Dom is not there such as no orgasming without permission
  • When you get together, you are to wait in a certain position (at home, not in public)
  • You must call him Master/Sir and he will call you other terms

Has your Dom had subs before?

Ask the person you are considering to be your Dom if they have had a sub before.  If they are new to the lifestyle and so are you, it may be a good idea to move on to someone with a bit more experience.  Being a Dom is more than just giving someone orders to please you.  There is an emotional side to this and as a sub, you don’t want to just feel like you are there to grant your Masters wishes, you want to also be appreciated and protected.

This may seem like a lot of work but it is worthwhile.  It is important to go with your gut when you are considering this lifestyle or moving on to a new Dom.  You need to be comfortable and know that they will have your safety in mind.

A good site to check out:  A Submissive’s Initiative

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Considering the D/s Lifestyle

English: Woman standing on submissive male.
English: Woman standing on submissive male. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I play on a variety of sites but I seem to have the most luck on Adult Friend Finder (AFF).  Maybe this is because the people there are looking to hook up so they are more willing to communicate and meet up.  i cannot remember the last time I actually met someone from any other site.  Regardless, that is for another post.

One of the things on AFF is that you can see who has viewed your profile and who has flirted with you.  And you can decide where to take things from there.  As I have Gold Status, I am able to message people.  I saw that a gentleman who is a Dominant had viewed my profile.  I was curious so I decided to flirt with him.  He has Gold Status as well so I knew that if he was interested, he would message me back.

Within about an hour, I heard back from him.  We went back and forth a few times with him asking me some questions and my providing some answers.  He asked me to text him from there to discuss the situation further.  He told me up front what he expects and then taught me to call him Master and Sir (which I knew about already) but then a few other aspects of speech such as You and Him are always capitalized if I am referring to Him.   As we continued to chat, he asked me about my hard limits which made me happy as it is shows he not just playing with this.

In the meantime, I had messaged a friend who has had some experience with this lifestyle to find out some information.  I told her a bit about our discussion as she had some concerns as to whether this was truly something he was into or if he was on a bit of a power trip due to 50 Shades of Grey.  There are many out there who say they are  Dominant but they just want to have power over a person and make them do what they want.  I showed my friend some of our conversation and she felt he would be okay but to still take all the precautions a person normally would take.

I do not have any experience as a submissive beyond what happens in a regular relationship.  There is always a power shift where sometimes the girl is in charge, sometimes the guy is.  This is something different for me.  Even referring to him as “Master” and “Sir” requires a different thought process.

I have played a bit with being a Dominant in the past but only online.  I have chatted with many guys over the years and have wanted to give up power in having someone else tell them what to do.  I have told many guys to jerk off, how to touch themselves, to use toys on themselves and a variety of other activities.

At this point, I am not sure where things are going.  On the surface, everything sounds great but when you start to actually think about it and the boundaries you may be expected to push, it becomes more real and thought provoking.  First, he required a picture of my boobs.  Not a big deal, but not something I tend to do, which made me think about what else he may want me to do that is outside my realm of comfort.

This article covers a lot of what I have learnt already but could never possibly write as succinct as the author has.

Domination and Submission: What You Can Expect as a New Submissive

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