who’s in charge?

When Sylvie began her recent Dom/sub relationship, she mentioned it to me.  At one point she asked if I had told hubby about it.  I hadn’t yet, but later that night I brought it up during our nightly phone call.  Since then we have had several conversations about D/s relationships and play.

We enjoy D/s play, though not every time we have sex and not as a lifestyle.  It’s just not for either of us. As I said to him, I feel that I’m too dominant in my overall personality to be a sub to someone fulltime.  While I enjoy being the sub in the bedroom from time to time, I also enjoy being the Domme.  Because I’m equally comfortable in both roles, I consider myself to be a switch.

I know there are people who, like me, have very dominant personalities, but crave the submissive role.  I respect that and can understand how it would a great form of stress relief.  Some of the characters I have developed in my stories are that way.  I just know it isn’t me.  I would be too much of a brat for the situation to be enjoyable! 

Just as every person is different, every D/s relationship is different.  There are subsets of the lifestyle, ranging from those who, like hubby and me, enjoy occasional D/s play in the bedroom to those who live their D/s relationships 24/7.  Some are sexual, while others may not have any sexual activity involved.  Thanks to the internet, some D/s relationships are completely virtual, with those involved living great distances from one another.  If you can imagine it, there is likely someone who is living it.

Book Review: His Every Whim (BBW Billionaire Erotic Romance Novella) by Liliana Rhodes

Ashley is down on her luck and needs a job and money.  Her roommate sets her up with a job helping at a catering gig and warns her of the mysterious man who has scared off many people.  Ashley decides to take her chances and approaches him with some champagne but quickly runs off when the catering manager shows up.  The mystery man follows her and they have a steamy encounter in the backroom which has them both wanting more but still not knowing who the other is.  He leaves Ashley to recover while he runs to interference to prevent others from bothering her.  

Trying to clear her thoughts, Ashley looks at the job board at her job and sees that there is an advertisement for a house manager.  While she does not know exactly what the job entails, she is up for it as she needs a different place to live.  She calls and goes for an interview and is given the job if she wants it.  The master of the house comes up just as she is getting ready to leave and collect her belongings.  It turns out that he is the mystery man.

While Zander had wanted to find the girl, this is not how he expected to find her but he is happy and wants to see what will happen.  He advises Ashley that he expects her to also perform some administrative duties for him.  She agrees to this and wonders exactly what he means and if she is up to the challenge.

My opinion:

I enjoyed this book.  Zander is your typical billionaire, at least how they are portrayed in fiction, as he is in control and command, and knows what he wants.  Maybe someday I will meet a true billionaire to find out if this is the true way of their actions!

This book is also very size positive as you can imagine just from the genre it is.  Ashley is a size 16 and while she has body issues, Zander loves her body and her curves.  He hires a personal shopper to help Ashley with her wardrobe, and when the shopper complains about Ashley’s size, he immediately sets to work making sure that the woman will not work again.

Buy:  His Every Whim

the dry spell

Yesterday was a very crazy day. There was a mixture of good and bad.

Our furchildren had vet appointments for check-ups and vaccinations. Since the hubby had to go out of town that morning for a possible new job, I had to take them to the vet alone. All went well with the vet. When I came home with our boy, hubby was home from his errand, so we were relaxing in our sunroom and talking about our morning.

Then our boy, who is a senior, started screaming in the other room. Long story short, we think he had a seizure. I took him back to the vet while hubby cleaned up the mess our pup made during the fit. This was a new experience for all of us.

Ninety minutes and bloodwork for the pup later, we were home again. Hubby and the pups all laid down for a nap while I got ready for work. If I didn’t have a program – and a fun one at that – I would have likely stayed home with the rest of my family.

A few hours later, though, I was home again, but this time I was fighting a migraine. Hubby had completed more errands while I was working, but we all decided to nap for a little while. His excuse – he drives nights, so is use to sleeping during the day. Mine – I had a dickens of a headache.

After sleeping for a few hours, I made an Easter dinner (the day after) at nearly 9 at night. We ate at 11! My allergies were getting bad by then, since I forgot to take medication before the vet appointments that morning, and I was still fighting a headache because the temperature was dropping. High of 80 on Monday, high of 57 on Tuesday. Lovely, eh?

When we went to bed for the night, we were both exhausted, both physically and mentally, even with all the napping. It had been that kind of day.

Side note: we aren’t certain what caused our boy’s fit. There are a lot of different things that might contribute to the possible seizure. The Bloodwork didn’t show anything that would have caused it.

Now, if you are still reading, you are likely wondering what this has to do with sex. Keep reading and I will tell you.

Relationships have a natural ebb and flow. Some days might be absolutely fantastic. Other days it might seem like you are never in sync. That is perfectly normal. So is having a period of time without sex. Yes, a healthy married relationship usually includes sex. As the relationship continues to grow, sex might not occur as frequently as before.

The hubby and I have gone through dry spells. Our circumstances play a huge part. He is only home on weekends, and I often work at least one of those days. We usually pack so much into the days that he is home that often we are just too tired to get it on. Add the worry of having a sick child – even if our children are our dogs – and sex ends up being put on the backburner. Yet, even though we aren’t having sex, the intimacy in our relationship continues to grow. We are still physical – touching, holding hands, kissing, cuddling – throughout the day. In many ways, that is more important that intercourse. It keeps us connected.

One day soon, though, we will devote some time to reconnecting sexually.  All part of the fun of being in a long term commitment!

Considering the D/s Lifestyle

English: Woman standing on submissive male. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I play on a variety of sites but I seem to have the most luck on Adult Friend Finder (AFF).  Maybe this is because the people there are looking to hook up so they are more willing to communicate and meet up.  i cannot remember the last time I actually met someone from any other site.  Regardless, that is for another post.

One of the things on AFF is that you can see who has viewed your profile and who has flirted with you.  And you can decide where to take things from there.  As I have Gold Status, I am able to message people.  I saw that a gentleman who is a Dominant had viewed my profile.  I was curious so I decided to flirt with him.  He has Gold Status as well so I knew that if he was interested, he would message me back.

Within about an hour, I heard back from him.  We went back and forth a few times with him asking me some questions and my providing some answers.  He asked me to text him from there to discuss the situation further.  He told me up front what he expects and then taught me to call him Master and Sir (which I knew about already) but then a few other aspects of speech such as You and Him are always capitalized if I am referring to Him.   As we continued to chat, he asked me about my hard limits which made me happy as it is shows he not just playing with this.

In the meantime, I had messaged a friend who has had some experience with this lifestyle to find out some information.  I told her a bit about our discussion as she had some concerns as to whether this was truly something he was into or if he was on a bit of a power trip due to 50 Shades of Grey.  There are many out there who say they are  Dominant but they just want to have power over a person and make them do what they want.  I showed my friend some of our conversation and she felt he would be okay but to still take all the precautions a person normally would take.

I do not have any experience as a submissive beyond what happens in a regular relationship.  There is always a power shift where sometimes the girl is in charge, sometimes the guy is.  This is something different for me.  Even referring to him as “Master” and “Sir” requires a different thought process.

I have played a bit with being a Dominant in the past but only online.  I have chatted with many guys over the years and have wanted to give up power in having someone else tell them what to do.  I have told many guys to jerk off, how to touch themselves, to use toys on themselves and a variety of other activities.

At this point, I am not sure where things are going.  On the surface, everything sounds great but when you start to actually think about it and the boundaries you may be expected to push, it becomes more real and thought provoking.  First, he required a picture of my boobs.  Not a big deal, but not something I tend to do, which made me think about what else he may want me to do that is outside my realm of comfort.

This article covers a lot of what I have learnt already but could never possibly write as succinct as the author has.

Domination and Submission: What You Can Expect as a New Submissive

The four-legged audience issue

I’m late.

This should have been posted yesterday.  It was one of those days, though. I came home from work, grabbed a quick bite to eat with the hubby, and we decided to take a nap.    That was around 7:30.  I didn’t get up for more than 30 minutes until it was time to get ready for work today.  Oops.

It was very crowded in our bed, as per the norm.  We have two medium-sized dogs who sleep in our bed.  It doesn’t matter if we are in bed for the night or just taking a little nap, one or both of the dogs are snuggling with us.  Of course, since they both sleep in our bed, this makes for some interesting times when it comes to sex.  Thankfully we haven’t experienced any of those horror stories.  You know – the ones about a beloved pet interfering with a sexual encounter.

Our older dog seems to understand the sentence “Mommy and Daddy need alone time.”  Often even before we utter those words, he has already started huffing and puffing his displeasure and has jumped off the bed.  Back in the day he would go down to our basement as if he was trying to get as far away from us as he could, grumbling as he made his way down the stairs.  Now he just hangs out in the living room, annoyed with our antics and impatiently waiting to come back to bed.

Our younger dog doesn’t quite understand.  Sometimes she will still try to jump up on the bed.  She just wants to cuddle and sleep.  Other times she will hide under the bed, something we are a bit wary of her doing.  Lately, she is starting to leave the room, though we have to shut the door behind her so we don’t end up with an audience.

Thankfully our two are fairly well behaved – in this regard at least!  We can have our fun without an audience and unwanted participation attempts.

Booty Calls: What You Need To Know

Chances are you have heard of a booty call, even if you have not have one.  The common thought is that it is two people, typically in the evening, get together for sex.   But are there

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

any rules or guidelines when it comes to a booty call?  How do you know how you should behave, beyond the obvious?

Just like anything, there really are no rules for a booty call beyond what the two of you have agreed upon.  But there are some things that you may want to keep in mind.

• A booty call is someone that you get together with for sex.  It doesn’t have to be sex though, it could be any form of sexual play that the two people agree on.
• For some, they  agree to a booty call situation as there is no romantic partner on the horizon.  Instead of being without a play partner, they agree to sexually benefit the other person.
• Talking about preferences is a good idea with your booty call person.  Even though this person is not someone that you will have a future with, you still want to keep them happy and provide them pleasure.
• Consider if you will spend the night or if you leave when you are done.  While I haven’t had many booty calls, they do not tend to end in a sleepover, at least, not in my experience.  It can be awkward in the morning as you do the walk of shame if you were at their place.
• Talk about birth control and diseases before you hook up.  You don’t want to deal with it in the heat of the moment.

Just like any other type of relationship (face it, a booty call is a relationship if it happens multiple times) it is important to be up front about what you expect.  Do you expect to want to get together once a week, once a month or some other potential frequency?  Are you going to be exclusive to each other sexually?  Will you break things off if you meet someone that you think you could have a future with?

Have you ever had a booty call?  Were there any rules or guidelines that you recommend for people or that you followed?

 

Sex and Infertility

There has rarely been a time since I became sexually active that I did not want sex. It is safe to say that I have a very high sex drive. However, several years ago I found myself not wanting to do the deed, at no fault of the hubby. This was a side effect of infertility treatments.

It has been over ten years since the hubby and I decided it was time to expand our family. I had suspected for some time that this would not be an easy task. With unpredictable cycles, and having several symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I just knew we likely had a difficult road ahead of us. This didn’t mean I gave up hope. We kept trying the old fashioned way, and had fun while doing it. Eventually the time came for us to see a specialist.

At first my sex drive didn’t suffer. Granted, the medications I was taking did a number on my mood, and caused the depression I already struggled with to deepen greatly. After months of trying to time sex just right and being poked and prodded by medical staff up to three times a week – including several procedures that were very intimate in nature – my sex drive plummeted. Not only did my desire for intimate relations with the hubby drop significantly, but also my urges to masturbate. Before infertility treatment, masturbation was often a daily occurrence – if not more frequently!  Even now, several years after we ended all of the medical treatments, my sex drive is still much less than what it was before.

Much of what affected my arousal levels was psychological. The multitude of doctor appointments, the focus on sex for procreation, and the failures of the assisted reproductive therapies all affected combined to make a mental block against sexual desire. Instead of having sex purely for enjoyment, we were having sex purely out of duty. While I enjoyed the deed, I wasn’t able to climax because I couldn’t separate sex from our desire for pregnancy. The whole ordeal didn’t affect our feelings for each other; just our feelings towards sex – especially my own.

How did I overcome this? Firstly, acknowledging that there was an issue and that it could be overcome. I talked with my husband. And I discussed it a bit with Sylvie (as she has a lot of useful knowledge about marital aids from her time as a pecker peddler). Sylvie recommended an arousal cream that helped increase my sexual pleasure. This helped to revive the enjoyment that had disappeared.

When you are going through fertility treatments, you hear the stories about how the medications can affect your hormones and, therefore, your moods. You hear about the invasiveness of procedures, the heartbreak of failed attempts and losses, and the joys of successes. What you don’t hear much about, though, is how fertility treatments can affect your relationship with your significant other. There are couples who don’t make it through fertility treatments. In our case, it made our relationship even stronger. Yet we still encountered a rough patch in our sex life – something that isn’t talked about on the message boards.

Hopefully this isn’t something you will ever have to encounter; however, if you do, please remember: You are not alone.